I had always wanted to be a mum. Since I can ever remember it was my life’s goal. That’s partly how I became a baby nurse, loving babies and toddlers led me into a beautiful career of Neonatal Nursing and I’ve loved every second of it. It also led me into parenthood. When I was choosing to have children, I believed that I was made to be a mum which I believed meant that motherhood would come easy to me.
Before having my first I was always told that once labour was over and I was handed my beautiful little baby, I would forget the pain and feel a rush of fluffy, gooey love for this small human I now hold, skin to skin, on my chest. I didn’t. It wasn’t the magical, fairytale moment that I expected. That part took time.
When I became pregnant with my firstborn I made it my mission to learn everything I could. I worked as a Neonatal Nurse and felt I was in the perfect position to educate myself on people’s experiences, preparing myself for what was to come. I asked ALL of the questions. None of them prepared me for how it would feel to have a baby of my own.
I would say that my labour experience with my first baby was traumatic. It took me a solid 4 months to recover from the feelings I felt every time I thought back to it. I was promised the fluffy feelings and they didn’t flow. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I loved her. I knew she was mine, I loved her and cared for her but I didn’t feel like I thought I was meant to. It took me 6 weeks to come out of the initial shock of motherhood. I distinctly remember being at the 6 week mark and suddenly experiencing a very overwhelming feeling of protection and love for my baby. This was a little closer to the feeling I believed I was meant to have experienced from the start. From there, my attachment grew. My beautiful baby still received all the love and care that she needed and I was slowly coming coming out of the cloud of the 4th trimester. I didn’t feel the cloud fully lift until the 3 month mark. Finally, after 3 months I was starting to feel normal again, starting to feel like my emotions and feelings were finally me again. Looking back at it, I think I had a touch of post partum depression.
As a child, I didn’t grow up allowing myself to become too in touch with my feelings. Feelings are fickle and if you let them, they will take you for a ride. That’s what I believed, and maybe there’s some truth in that. Either way, my feelings were mostly ignored and I would hold my head high and get on with things. I’m not saying that I suffered greatly during my 4th trimester but I can say that some of my joy was stolen. If I were more in touch with my feelings then I may have sought more support. This then became a bit of a theme for me throughout my motherhood. Just hold your head high and get on with it. Don’t get me wrong, I have thoroughly enjoyed motherhood. I have LOVED being pregnant, having a newborn and running after a toddler, and now my youngest is at school there is part of me that is grieving that that part of my life has come to an end.
A lot of my motherhood has been an ebb and flow of emotions.
From anxiety to joy, from fear to happiness, from pain to love. Again, don’t get me wrong, I’ve loved every single minute of motherhood. I even started my own hashtag #iheartmotherhood. The hashtag wasn’t a lie, I did. I was navigating motherhood the best way I knew how. Stay strong, stay on top of it, keep everything in line, keep my kids the centre of my focus. But this meant that I denied myself, didn’t make time for self care and certainly didn’t ask for help. I had a picture in my mind of what I wanted from motherhood and I ignored my feelings to achieve that. As I reflect, I’m not sure I would have done too much of my early motherhood differently. But what I would have done is spent time getting in touch with my feelings, spent time processing traumatic moments I experienced on the way and stopped letting the mum guilt steal my life/self care balance. I would have stopped ignoring my inner voice, been true to myself and trusted that my kids would be ok. I would have stopped worrying about what others thought of me, my parenting choices and the way others saw me. I would have asked for more help.
This might all sound a little sad but it’s not. One of the things I’ve ALWAYS wanted is to be genuine. That is the heart of my intention and that is why I have written this blog.
My blogs are based on moments of my motherhood intertwined with education and emotional support – probably the education and support I wish I had when I was navigating baby and toddlerhood.
This brings my offerings at GROW. I stumbled my way through motherhood. Although I eventually worked it out, I didn’t ask for help nor was I open to help when I needed it. The heart of what I do is to be the person for you that I needed back then. Anxiety in parenthood is real. Whether it’s circumstantial – you’re not sure if the baby will cry the whole time you’re out or maybe they’ll sleep – or something you’ve struggled with your whole life.
I want to be your support system. Your newborn expert, your lactation consultant, your sleep consultant, your toileting training mentor, your cheer leader, your friend. I want to provide a service to ease the load of parenthood, allow you to experience the joy of parenthood.
Parenthood is a beautiful chaos. Filled with a myriad of feelings. A poetic collision of emotions and feelings that have brought you right here, right now.
You are not alone. Mama, I see you.
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