Learning the hard way

When it came to Elise, my oldest, I entered the toilet training stage with very little education and understanding on the matter. I thought, because I was clearly a natural mother, that it would easily fall into place. I was mistaken.

Just before the age of two, Elise showed me signs that she was ready to learn how to use the potty (come to think of it, it was probably that short, magical, 18 month window that toddlers seem to give us). Teaching her to wee was a breeze, but when it came to poo, that’s when the real challenge began. I lacked the understanding around the importance of being both physically AND cognitively ready. I also didn’t know how the human body actually worked when it came to wees and poos. This lack of preparation led to a little human who was constipated, and completely confused with what her mama was trying to teach her. This made me (and her) feel overwhelmed and frustrated.

The importance of understanding poo and wee habits

When I work with a family on toilet training, I often emphasise the importance of keeping tabs on your child’s pooping patterns. One common problem when it comes to toilet training is constipation. I was a young parent unaware of the problems that constipation could bring, which led to my struggles with Elise. I was over prompting her, getting frustrated that she didn’t want to use the potty to poop, and disillusioned that, although she was a very clever little girl, she didn’t ‘get’ how to use the toilet. It was simple wasn’t it?!  When I finally let go of my unrealistic expectations and changed my mindset, our toilet training journey became a more enjoyable process for both of us

The science behind toilet training 

As a nurse, I LOVE to know how and why things work. And, when we understand how things work, we are then able to understand what might happen when the toilet training process isn’t quite right. Did you know that consistently (and I mean consistently, not sometimes) holding in wee can cause the bladder wall to thicken? When this happens, the receptors that send the ‘it’s time to find a toilet’ message to our brain, weaken. Weakened receptors mean that your child might then get mixed messages, like needing to wee when their bladder isn’t full, or the bladder might randomly contract (kind of like a bladder hiccup) and create urgency for the toilet with fear of having an accident. Similar to this, holding in poo can result in the cycle of constipation, which can lead to a stretched rectum and weakened receptors (which leads right back into the cycle of constipation). Constipation can also result in wetting the bed at night. A full and stretched rectum pushes against the bladder and aggravates the nerve. This causes the bladder to spasm and your little one might find themselves in a wet bed.

Setting the right mindset and expectations

Understanding your child’s developmental stage helps you to individualise your approach – each child is different and even if you’ve already toilet trained a child before, don’t forget that each situation is unique. This leads me to talk briefly about mindset and expectations. Setting your expectations in the right place is an integral part of setting yourself up to win. I also encourage you to explore why you want to begin toilet training. Is it because all the mamas at parents group have started? Is it because someone made a comment that your child should have already started? Is it because you’ve got something coming up that requires your little one to be toilet trained? 

Once you’ve honed in on your expectations and why you’re beginning this journey the next stage is being aware of how your words and tone affect your toddler. Being self aware enables you to regulate yourself, keeping you in check and helping you communicate with your little one effectively during the toilet training phase.

Encouragement vs praise

Before I took a deep dive into the world of toilet training I’d never really thought much about encouragement and praise, and what they mean. I must say, this part of my training has actually changed the way that I parent my kids. As parents, it’s natural to praise our kids. “Wow, you did really well at that {insert activity}, you make mama so proud!” Although, don’t get me wrong, this is not a bad thing to say to your child, constant praise with no encouragement can can create dependence on external validation. Your child’s inner dialogue might sounds something like this, ‘I need to do {insert activity} well because mum is proud when I do’. On the other hand, encouragement creates self-reliance, guiding your child to focus on their actions rather than the outcome. “Wow, I saw that you tried really hard at {insert activity}, you must feel so proud of your hard work!” Aiming for 80% encouragement and 20% praise is the balance. Praise gets them going, and encouragement keeps them there.

The signs of readiness

Once you’ve done the groundwork, your next step is being aware of the signs of readiness. This helps guide you in knowing when your child is ready for toilet training. This can set you on a path for success right from the start. When we have the right mix of cognitive and physical readiness both you and your little one will be ready to embark on this next exciting journey.

Looking for someone to help with toilet training? At GROW, as registered nurses with specialised paediatric continence training we offer tailored support for toilet training, overcoming toilet training challenges, toilet fear, constipation, bedwetting, day wetting and everything in between.

With love, B.